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aka_ishmael
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Name: S
Country: Japan
Gender: Female
Interests: The intellectual, the sensory, the ordinary, the strange, everything in between.
Expertise: Over-analyzation and quiet contemplation... poetry... music...
Occupation: language instructor
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/21/2002
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| I think too much. I feel too much. I write too much. I hope too much... I know it all too well.
I wonder if I'm truly human, sometimes. Do other people experience life the way I do?... If they do, why is there such disconnect between us? And if they don't, whose way is preferable, really?
It seems every way I turn I run into strange coincidences, deja vu split seconds, the never-ending, spidery spider-webbery of these past/present/future human connections.
Sitting here listening to this album which I've grown to love, which sets the perfect tone for my late Friday evening, which seems so natural that I can't imagine not having these words and notes embedded somewhere in my subconscious... And yet, I had only the faintest inkling of who Neko Case was a year-and-a-half ago. (Is this possible?)
Trace it backwards, trace it forwards...
Remember Neko Case blaring in the background at 4 a.m., half-awake,
half-embarrassed, fully aware this would surely prove another minor mistake soon
enough. (Oh, it did.)
...Remember the cringe-worthy embrace of two lonely souls, lust-fueled and convenience-driven.
...Remember the one with the artist's mind and hipster's wardrobe, with his rosemary shortbread and
messy apartment and enviable music collection.
...Remember those meaningless boys and their careless advances - and all your earnest offerings, unrequited in the end.
...Remember that spring of such uncertainty and unhappiness and raw, pure pain.
...Remember discovering The New Pornographers and falling in love with pop again.
Wonder now what it would be not to know this singer, this song, not to have it buried in your mind for just such a night as this.
...Wonder now where he is, what he's doing, this insignificant blip on your experiential radar.
...Wonder now if he remembers your name, if he ever wonders after you, however briefly.
...Wonder now at the marvel of these crisscrossing, transcontinental, intangible intersections you have become entangled in forever-after.
Put "Hold On, Hold On" on repeat, listen, get lost in your thoughts until night and sleep finally overtake you...
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| My internal clock needs repair and my head is aching (from jet lag? from allergy-related miseries? from an impending migraine?... yo no sé...) but I'm more-or-less okay, and back in Japan again. The inevitable homesickness has started to slowly creep back in, but in some ways *this* feels more like "home" than the beautiful Northwest I've left behind yet again. It's a strange sensation... Then again, I'm starting to realize that maybe I'll never feel like I have one true home, and I guess I'm okay with that. All the places to which I stake my claim, all the places which claim me - these are "home," incompletely.
While my trip was short, it was wonderful. I wish I'd had more time to see a few more people, do a few more things, but on the other hand, I'm glad I left before things started to feel stale and drawn-out (as they invariably do, given enough time). Maybe I'll make it back for Christmas, more likely I won't be back until the Christmas after that (if then), but we'll see. I think I made my peace with myself, tied up some emotional loose ends, found some of the answers I've been looking for - and really, that's about as much as I could have asked for.
I can't stop thinking about how wide open and full of potential possibility the future is - it's amazing, and terrifying, and exhilarating. While I was driving that bleak stretch of I-5 connecting the biggest two cities of my past, I kept thinking how different even a dull, depressing road seems when you understand that there are other roads, halfway around the world, that you can travel, that you *have* travelled, that you *will* travel. I wish I had known that then - imagine the heartache and near-disasters, the sleepless, tearful nights that I could have avoided - but then hindsight is 20-20 and maybe this current clarity is that much sweeter for it. There's no real way to know and I don't want to; the past is what it is, what will be is of greater import. I stand in awe of the unmapped, untravelled miles before me.
I'm seeing Japan with virginal, wide-eyed wonder again and I'm just grateful for the renewed inspiration when I so desperately needed it. Maybe eight months is the limit of my untainted affection for any one place or thing? At any rate it's probably a good idea to shake things up every six months or so - and, hey, if it gives me an excuse to do a bit of globetrekking, all the better, right? (heh) My goals and plans continually shift, but I'm starting to remember why I came here, why this pit stop was on the agenda in the first place - and I *am* going to make something of this experience, even if it's not exactly what I expected when I embarked on the adventure.
The lust for life is stronger than ever, and life is good.
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| This time three years ago, I had just met The Boy (in spirit, if not in person) and though I hoped something interesting would come of our interactions and correspondence, I really had no idea of the journey ahead of me; if someone had told me I'd have utterly fallen for him by summer's end I would have laughed it off as improbable bullshit. I was jaded over past relationships-gone-wrong and thought I'd probably stay single and independent and independently satisfied for quite some time before I found someone who complemented me and fit into my life... but of course that's not how it played out. I'll always be grateful that things didn't go as expected, no matter how bittersweetly painful the aftermath has been at times (like now).
Today I feel caught in a time warp - so much is similar to that glorious pre-Us period that I almost want to pinch myself - ache for some means to shake this sense of deja vu that overwhelms me. This weather, this newfound/renewed solitude and independence, these scents and sights and sounds... It's so much the same, again; and yet distinctly different. It makes me wonder if it's the person or the season I am still so deeply in love with... or maybe a combination of both?
No matter. The fact remains that I find myself perched at the edge of summer - at the edge of so much more - and, as ever, I really have no idea (can have no idea) of what awaits me. The unknown emptiness thrills, inexplicably.
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| I am overwhelmed.
I just finished reading Dave Eggers' "What Is The What," having put it down for several weeks and only picked it back up this (now yesterday) evening, and all I can say is "wow"... I didn't intend to spend the better part of six or seven hours completely absorbed in a book, but I couldn't stop reading, and now I don't know if I can sleep.
I am overwhelmed by everything that goes on in this crazy world of ours... I know there is chaos and misfortune and suffering out there, but usually it's so abstractly detached from my daily life and my subjective experience of the world that it might as well not exist (for me). And then a book comes along, or a particular news article, or some other media-induced intrusion, and I'm floored again (and incredibly guilty), realizing what a peaceful, privileged existence I lead.
I feel so small and powerless in the face of the big issues - human rights violations, environmental endangerments, political upheaval, war and violence... What good can I possibly do? No, that's not really the question - I know I could be doing more, and I guess *that's* what bothers me...
What should I be doing? How can I possibly focus on one thing when so much needs addressing? Is my measly $25/month to one particular charity capable of having any real effect whatsoever? Is making that monetary donation a mere cop-out - am I somehow attempting to buy my way out of being more directly involved in these issues I purportedly care about?
I really struggle with what my role ought to be: what the hell I am - or should be - doing with my life.
I feel so selfish sometimes. Here I am, with the extravagances of higher education and political/familial/financial stability and freedom of expression/choice/belief at my fingertips, and I get so worked up trying to decide which cushy job I want to work at, in which city, and for how long. I fret over my artistic aspirations and bemoan my lagging love life while I lack nothing truly necessary. I have so much - and I make so little of it.
At times like this I don't know which direction to turn. When I was younger the options seemed limitless, and I could conceive of so many ways of utilizing my talents for some more altruistic aim; engineering and the sciences are obviously, overtly applicable, and even journalism isn't such a stretch. But here I am now with my liberal arts degree, teaching a second language to people of comfortable means in a first-world country, with most of my long-term plans involving furthering my fluency in their language in order to work in international, first-world commerce of some sort or, in my flightier daydreams, finding my way back to a career in the pure arts (literature, music, etc.)... and this all seems so fucking petty when I open my eyes to the real problems out there in the real world, beyond my sheltered existence.
I wish the universe was less complicated. I wish I had some spiritual system to lean on right now (being curiously agnostic is painfully unreassuring). I wish I had faith in people, period... Sometimes my pessimism takes over and I question whether even my most valiant, all-absorbing efforts would be worth it, or if humanity wouldn't just manage to fuck up whatever small amount of good I could create, anyhow. :p
...I think it's time to re-immerse myself in philosophy/religion/history and devote some serious time and effort to passionate pondering.
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| It's starting to feel like spring, and I like it. The smell of flowers, the (novel) lack of hayfever, the sun on my shoulders, the not-so-gentle breeze that musses up my hair on the bike ride to work, the sense of hope and tranquility and (yes) lust/romance that accompanies this season... it's just nice. Autumn will always be my favorite season, but spring comes in a close second.
I feel calm tonight. I feel like I'm figuring out what I need to figure out, and giving up on trying to control some things that are actually out of my control (and really, isn't that the wisest course?), and turning in some new direction. It's good... I hate being stagnant; I need growth and evolution and slow but steady *change*.
I'm getting back my runner's legs, both literally and figuratively, and it is mmmmm. Love the endorphin rush, the meditative quality of late-night runs, the challenge of just breathing and taking one more step, the illusion that my legs are pistons in some machine and I am just one detached observer as I sprint down the hill... Love the quiet of the city after dark, the loneliness of backroads, the sudden reminders of modern society in the neon-lit, car-filled main roads. Love seeing my muscles wake from their slumber, legs newly divided into discrete quadriceps and calves and hamstrings, flesh less fleshy, solid limbs signifying power and potential and strength.
I had a zen moment right in the middle of a lesson today; for five seconds the world stopped and I saw things from a distance, as they really were. I wish I could always be so in-the-moment and aware. Must keep trying.
I am going to find some balance, I am going to find the time for all these little things I want to do, all the things I need to do. I am inching closer to happiness - must not forget that...
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